


Worthwhile Reason

by romanticalgirl



Series: The Future's Open Wide [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-10 21:26:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1164707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Willow and Xander get caught...things go even worse than they did on the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worthwhile Reason

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 2000

Buffy looked down at her backpack with a certain sense of dread. Her beeper was going off and, since only the Slayerettes had the number, it was bound to be bad news.

As she made her way to her bag, she caught Willow's worried look. Oz had yet to show up and, although it was still light out, there were enough horrors in the daylight to inspire fear.

The display flashed a number she didn't recognize. Willow joined her, a small sigh of relief escaping her. "That's Devon's house."

"I'm guessing it's for you then." Buffy looked around. "I think the phones by the old gym are working again. Don't talk too long though. Sunset's coming."

"I'll be right back." She walked away quickly.

Giles joined Buffy and slipped his arm casually around her shoulders. She stepped closer to him, tilting her face toward him for a kiss.

He kissed her softly and pulled back. She started to pout when she realized Xander had come up to them. Warmth flooded her at Giles' empathy.

"Oz?" Xander asked.

"Yeah." Buffy smiled her understanding at him. "Is everything…?"

"Will be." Xander gave the couple a smile. "At least she seems to want to be friends again. And if friends is all I can have, I'll take it."

Buffy was a little surprised at his maturity. "Will it be enough?"

He shrugged then turned his smile on them. "And it's okay. You don't have to curb those baser instincts around me. You're in a brand new relationship. Don't let my horrible luck dampen that." He looked in the direction Willow had gone. "It doesn't bother me. I mean, as much as I love you Buff, I'm in love with her."

Stepping away from Giles' arm, Buffy gathered Xander into a hug. "I love you too, Xand."

"And don't worry." He hugged her back then stepped away. "I'm not going to do anything stupid. I know Oz is good for her."

Giles was about to say something when Willow rejoined them. "That was Oz."

"We guessed," Buffy laughed.

"The Dingoes got a gig at a protest rally in LA. Oz has to leave tomorrow, first thing for a couple of days. So…um…"

"You'd like to leave early?" Giles offered.

"Um, no. My folks are out of town until Monday. I was going to go with him."

Xander recoiled as though he'd been slapped. He took a step back and stared down at his ichor-covered gloves.

"Is that smart, Will?" Buffy looked worried. "They're going to be busy. It could be dangerous for you there alone."

"Oz wouldn't let anything happen to me."

"You can't."

Willow looked at Xander in surprise, which slowly turned to anger. "I *can't*?" He turned away and started walking. Willow grabbed his arm and whirled him around. "Why *can't* I?"

"Go. Just go."

"Tell me what you meant."

"Oh, I don't know Wills. There's a giant demon carcass to destroy for starters. But I guess from your tardiness at graduation, all that takes a backseat to your newfound sex life!"

She slapped him hard and it stung far worse than any of Cordelia's venomous barbs. Willow stared at her hand then up at his red cheek. "Oh…Xan…"

"Bye Will." He turned on his heel and left the schoolyard.

Willow sank down to her knees on the concrete littered ground, her green eyes unseeing as she watched him walk away.

***  
Giles and Buffy walked Willow to her front door. She hadn't made a sound since Xander had walked away. Guiding her to the couch, Buffy sat her down. "Do you want me to call Oz?"

"No."

Giles flinched at the hollowness in her voice. "Can I get you something, Willow? Some tea?"

"He's leaving, you know."

"Oz? We know, Wills." Buffy's troubled blue eyes met Giles'.

"Not Oz. Well, yes Oz, but Xander. He said so. He said goodbye."

"I think you're reading too much into the argument, Willow."

She shrugged, realizing they weren't going to believe her. She looked at Giles and managed to smile. "No. No tea. Thanks. You should go home. Be happy and stuff."

"You shouldn't be alone," Buffy said softly.

"I'll call Oz."

"Willow…" her voice was laced with doubt.

"I will, Buffy. I promise."

***  
Sitting on the closed toilet seat, Buffy watched Giles' body through the louvered glass. "You think she called him?" She asked, struggling to tamp down the desire to join him.

"Oz or Xander?"

"Either. Or both." She closed her eyes, instead concentrating on the sound of the water falling on his skin.

"No."

"So why did we leave?"

He turned off the water and grabbed the towel she handed him. Wrapping it around his waist, he sat on the floor across from her. She too was wrapped in a towel, the soft curve of her breasts highlighted by the knot of fabric in the valley between them.

"You can't force someone to deal with an emotional situation. Ever since they were found together, from what I understand, things reverted back to the way they had been before anything happened."

"Right." She watched his lips as he spoke, trying not to focus on how they had felt on her skin the night before. Or on the firm planes of his chest or the damp hair trailing down his stomach to the loosely held towel.

"Willow, running on a guilty conscience for the first time in her life, posed new restrictions on their friendship, forcing a probably confused, equally guilty Xander away."

"You're good at this relationship stuff." Giving up on her restraint, she stood up and discarded her towel. Unhooking his, she pushed it aside and straddled his legs.

"Watchers are required to study the psychology of the teen-aged mind."

She took his hard cock in hand and began stroking it. "Does it help?"

"Not…not really."

"And Xander?" She asked as she guided him inside her.

"Realized he had, once again, caused Willow pain. So he stepped back, thinking that's what she wanted." He held her hips, keeping her still. "Which only made Willow assume he was just in it for the thrill."

"A belief he encouraged when he slept with Faith." Buffy arched her back, bringing her nipple tantalizingly close to his lips.

"Mmm-hmm." He flicked his tongue across the hard tip. "Are we finished?"

She rubbed the nipple along his lips. "With Xander and Willow."

***  
His room was pitch black. He'd been tempted to even paint the walls black, but he'd learned long ago not to give his father free ammunition.

Raising his hand to his cheek, it was almost as if he could still feel the burning sting of her hand. It hadn't hurt physically. And mentally, he knew he probably deserved much worse. But emotionally, it had felt like Lassie had just turned Cujo on Timmy. Like Tiny Tim had just shoved the Christmas turkey down Scrooge's throat. Like Angel had just…well, that one didn't work anymore. He imagined he felt like Buffy had on her birthday. Every year since she'd be made a Slayer.

There was a soft knock on his bedroom door. He sat there in the darkness. It wasn't Buffy. She was with Giles. It wasn't Willow. He knew that.

Sighing, he walked over to the door and opened it. "Oz."

He stood there, simply watching Xander. The younger boy was dressed in sweats and a T-shirt, and in the harshness of the hall light, looked horrible. "Xander."

Sighing, Xander snapped on his bedroom light and moved away from the door. Oz followed him in, moving over to the desk and sitting on the edge of it. Xander leaned against the headboard. "What brings you here? Isn't this prime Willow-ravishing time?"

"I understand that you have issues with this…"

"Issues?" A dark eyebrow arched up.

"But you're hurting Willow."

"And we can't have that." Xander nodded. "Never mind that the thought of you being with her hurts me. Never mind the fact that it kills me every time you touch her. Willow should only be allowed to feel bad if it's you she's cheating on."

"She's not cheating on you." Oz's voice remained calm, although a pulse pounded in his jaw.

"No. She's not." Xander shrugged. "So congrats. You won. Go the hell away. Take her to LA with you. Fuck her senseless. There's the door."

Oz's face showed pure disgust. "How can you call yourself her friend?"

Laughing bitterly, Xander's dark brown eyes met Oz's green ones. "I haven't been her friend for a long time, Oz. And I have you to thank."

***  
The next morning dawned clear and bright, much to the annoyance of half of the group gathered at what had been the high school. Giles and Buffy sat on the edge of the picnic table, watching as Xander walked up to them. Dark circles lined his eyes and he was wearing what he'd been wearing the day before.

"You didn't have to come," Buffy said softly as he reached them.

"Yes I did. I have to face the consequences of my actions, don't I? I mean, isn't that what I've been doing all year?" He grabbed a pickaxe. "I'll be over by the tail I found yesterday. The sooner we get this done, the better off I think we'll all be."

"Xander," Giles squeezed Buffy's hand and fell into step with the younger man. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"No."

"It might help."

"Giles, no offense, but not a damn thing is going to help me. Willow loves him. I'm just the stupid jerk she fell for before she knew there were real gentlemen out there. I got what I deserved. That's the end of the story. And trust me, before you theorize that I could still be her friend, it's going to be a hell of a lot easier hating each other."

"But you don't hate her."

"Maybe I'll learn." He turned away and started walking.

Buffy walked up to Giles and frowned. "Nowhere?"

"He's decided that if she can't love him, he wants her to hate him." He pushed his glasses up on his nose. "I wish I knew how to help them. Unfortunately, they'll have to figure this out for themselves. Although I'm afraid you, Oz and I are going to get caught in the crossfire."

"Why can't love be simple?"

"Love is quite simple. It's the falling that's hard."

"What are we doing?" Willow came up behind them, following their eyes to where Xander stood. "Oh."

"Will?" Buffy looked surprised. "I thought you were going with Oz?"

"My parents called last night, said they might be coming home early. I figured it would be better to stay. Besides, Xander was right. I do have obligations here." She shrugged. "Oz is going to call me tonight though."

Buffy draped her arm around her friend. "Ooh. Phone sex!"

Willow's eyes widened, "Do you and Giles do that?"

"Not yet, we're still on just the regular sex." Buffy grinned at him, loving his deep red flush. Placing her arm around Willow's shoulders, she led her friend away. "But I hear it can be a lot of fun."

Giles stopped listening, instead wondering what he'd gotten himself into. He really needed to figure out a way to keep from becoming the object of their gossip. He smiled to himself. Well, some way other than giving up his Slayer.

***  
The fire was burning brightly in the small concrete pit they'd made. Willow was tending it, trying not to wonder where Buffy and Giles had disappeared to and why they were taking so long getting lunch when Xander set a bundle of demon bits beside her.

"All chopped up to kindling size." He turned away and started walking.

"Xander?"

He stopped, listening to the crackling of the fire. "Yes?"

"I didn't ask Oz to go over and see you last night. I didn't even tell him what was going on." She stared down into the flames. "I didn't want to make things worse for us."

"They can't get worse, Will."

"They can. I mean, at least we're talking and communicating with each other to some extent."

"Willow, being civil to one another and talking are two entirely different things. Let me call Cordelia and she can explain the difference to you."

"I'm sorry that my being in love with Oz hurts you. But I don't think that it's fair that you want me to give up the man who loves me for who I am…"

"And what you do to him." He shook his head. "Look, I can't do this. Okay, you had it easy. You didn't care anymore when you found out I slept with Faith. I got that. But I care. I care that you love him so much that you gave yourself to him. I care that I stopped mattering to you. I care that his love meant more to you than our friendship. I care that we fucked it all up, Willow. " He turned around and walked away again, this time not listening to her calling his name.

She stared after him, unable to stop the tears coursing down her cheeks. Tossing the stick she'd been using to stoke the fire aside, she ran after him, tackling him and sending them both tumbling to the ground. She turned him over and straddled his knees. "You're going to listen to me, Alexander Harris."

"Get off me, Willow."

"No." She wiped her tears away angrily. "You don't get to just spew out your anger at me and walk away. You want to deal with all of this, then fine. We'll deal. But you have to be ready to get as hard as you give."

"Get off me, Willow."

"How dare you say I didn't care? How dare you just assume that it didn't matter to me! Do you even remember me, Xander? I'm the girl who was in love with you forever! I was the girl who dreamed that one day we'd be married and have kids. When I pictured every significant event in my life, you were right there by my side."

"Until someone else came along."

"Yes, Xander. Someone else. Someone who loves me and isn't afraid to tell me. Someone who cares about how I feel. Someone who doesn't trample on my feelings every time he opens his mouth. Someone who wants me, not every other girl in the world. Someone who doesn't care about looks or bodies or anything other than how we feel about each other." She beat her fists on his chest as she spoke, emphasizing every point with a blow. "You couldn't even tell me you liked me Xander. You placed it all into a neat little nutshell of being attracted to me for the first time in your life. Well, guess what. Attraction doesn't last. Attraction doesn't matter."

He captured her hands and held them still against his chest. He looked up into her green eyes, wild with hurt and anger. "Willow…"

"No! I'm not finished. It killed me when you just so casually announced to everyone that you slept with her, Xander. It destroyed me. How can you say that I don't care? I told you that I loved you that night, you stupid bastard." The tears overtook her again, coursing down her cheeks. "And my love mattered so little to you that you just turned to her."

"Willow, your friendship meant everything to me. I couldn't look at you when I was trying to explain, because, for the first time in my life, I realized I was hurting you. I don't want to hurt you Wills. I want to love you, but you won't give me the chance."

"I gave you a lifetime of chances, Xander. But I was running out of lifetime." She moved off of him, lying beside him. "All I ever wanted you to say to me was that you loved me. Not like a friend, not like a buddy or a sister. All I ever wanted was to hear the words fall off your lips."

Xander closed his eyes, holding back a bitter laugh. "Well, you wouldn't believe them now. So can I go back to chopping up demons? Because it's a hell of a lot more exciting than my social life."

"No."

He sighed. "Why not?"

"Because, we've just talked about our relationship. We haven't touched on our friendship."

"No need. I thought you got it. You said no touching. I didn't touch. I didn't touch, I didn't look, I even became Oz's friend so that he'd know that there was nothing to fear from me. You became so wrapped up in him, you didn't even notice that it killed me to see Cordelia flirting with Wesley deliberately to upset me. You didn't see that whenever you touched him it was like a knife in my heart. You didn't see because you didn't want to see. You didn't want to have to deal with how you felt."

"That's priceless, Xander." She sat up and glared down at him. "And I suppose the reason you know all that is because it sounds so much like someone you know? Do you deliberately not see?" She shook her head. "I saw, Xander. And, I'll admit, it felt good to see that you were suffering. It felt good to know that I could cause you pain the same way you caused me pain. It felt good to know that for the first time in your life you knew what it was like to love someone and not be able to make them see it."

"I've known that pain all my life, Willow." He got off the ground. "Why do you think I always picked girls who were sure to turn me down? I was afraid to lose you as my friend, so I became the man you could always be there for."

"Great, you treated me like shit because you loved me?"

"Past tense rule, Will." He sighed. "It was a great eighteen years, wasn't it?"

***  
Buffy and Giles sat in his car, watching the events unfold. Buffy's grip on his hand was painful, clenching tighter as the minutes progressed and her best friends seemed no closer to a reconciliation. "Giles?"

He nodded, remembering that, despite her seeming maturity, she was still a teenager. "Come here." Gathering her into his arms, he pulled her over the gearshift and into his lap. "It's going to be difficult going, Buffy. They've got a lot of issues to work out. And I doubt very seriously either of them is in a great hurry to admit their feelings."

"But I want them to. I want them to deal and move on so that every time I see them I don't have this horrible sinking sensation in my stomach. I want them to be the things that keep me going, keep me steady. I have enough trauma."

He smoothed her hair, petting her and holding her close. "I wish I could make everything easy for you."

She laughed softly and turned her face to his. Her bright blue eyes were glistening with tears. "Giles…Rupert, you make it easy. You make it worthwhile and wonderful." She nodded. "You also make it suck with the training and stuff, but at least I know it's because you love me."

They both realized what she'd said and smiled. "That I do, Buffy."

She stared into his green eyes, wondering for a moment why it took her so very long to find safety there. "We should go out there. Willow's going to need someone to talk to and I'm starving."

"Is it Willow or the food?"

She looked out to see her friend kneeling on the ground where he'd left her, tears on her face. "It must be Willow, because I've suddenly lost my appetite."

***  
There were very certain things Xander swore he would never become in his life. He'd added a few after he met Buffy and learned there were things out there he hadn't known about, but for the most part, the list hadn't changed that much since he was five.

He swore he'd never be his father. He swore he'd never be a drunk. He swore he'd never be a male nurse. And, nowadays he swore he'd never be a bloodsucking creature of the night. So far, his average had been pretty good. Sure, he'd been a hyena for a few days, but hadn't actually consumed any human blood and he'd tended to the wounds of some of his friends off and on. But he'd never come close to hurting someone in the name of love and then drinking himself into oblivion to deal with the guilt.

Well, at least until today.

He picked up the bottle and emptied the last remaining drops into his mouth. He'd already had enough that the liquid didn't burn going down, although it still didn't taste good. Even though he'd just finished a bottle of high-grade hooch, as he and Jesse had called it, it wasn't enough to get the picture of Willow's distraught face out of his mind.

He tossed the spent bottle aside and pushed off his bed. The walk to his bedroom door was longer than he remembered, but he managed it without stumbling too badly. He swung open the door, readying himself to fight his father tooth and nail for the next bottle, only to be surprised by Willow. Funny, he could have sworn he'd just seen her at the bottom of the bottle. And she'd looked much smaller. "Come to break my heart some more?" He swayed slightly.

"I came to talk, but I can see you're in no condition to do that."

"Oh, c'mon Wills. People admit truths when they're drunk that they don't have the guts to when they're sober. C'mon in. We'll kill a couple of soldiers together." He staggered past her, the alcohol beginning to hit him hard, and grabbed another bottle off the shelf of his father's cabinet. "We haven't drunk together since we were five."

"We threw up together then too, I don't know that I want to relive that experience." She caught his arm as he lurched forward and guided him to his bed. "Why don't you give me the bottle Xander, and I'll put it away while you get some rest."

He laughed. "Running away again, Wills? What's the matter? Don't you trust me? Or is it yourself you don't trust?"

"Right, because some drunken fumbling would mean something special to us?" She sat down on the floor in front of his bed. "Xander, I don't want us to be the way we were today. I don't want all this hurt and anger between us."

"Break up with Oz and live in sin with me. That should solve our problem."

"Why do you always have to make my life so difficult, Xander? Why did you have to…why couldn't you just have stayed the same, clueless guy?"

"Because I was losing you. I didn't want that." He'd meant what he'd said about the truth being easier. He'd learned a lot of truths while his parents were in their drunken brawls. Learned he hadn't been wanted, learned he almost hadn't made it, learned his father had perfected the art of keeping him an only child.

"We could have stayed friends. We could have kept things they way they were and we'd still be friends."

"No Wills, you're wrong." He took the cap off the bottle and tossed down a drink. It burned going down, even though he thought he'd desensitized himself to the stuff with the last. "We would have pretended that we were still friends and then lost touch. We would have gone our separate ways and never thought about it again."

"And this is better?" She cried out. "How? How Xander? How is it better that you hate me, now? How is it better that you would rather lose yourself in a bottle of alcohol than deal with me?" She lashed out blindly, knocking the bottle from his hand and spilling the contents all over herself.

They sat in stunned silence for a long time until Xander couldn't help but laugh. "Oh Wills. You wasted a perfectly good drunk." He got off the bed and walked to his bathroom. Gathering a towel, he tossed it to her. "Dry off. Go home. Better yet, go to LA with Oz so that I don't have to see you miss him."

"You refuse to even give me a break here, do you Xander?" She wiped her face, gagging at the smell of all the alcohol. "I'm the bad guy here. I got it." She tossed the towel back at him and started for the door. "I thought I had a friendship worth saving, I guess I was wrong."

She started for the door, and Xander rushed over, pinning her to it. "No. You're not going to leave. You want to deal with this; we'll deal with it. We'll resolve it." He looked down at her, her hair drying in softly curling tendrils around her face. Their bodies were pressed together and he felt the heat start to rise inside him. His hand moved from above her to stroke her cheek. "Willow…"

She met his eyes nervously, the angry energy between them slowly melting into something far more powerful. "Xander?" She whispered softly, her face rising slightly to meet his descending lips.

His lips hovered just above hers, his tainted breath sending shivers of desire along her spine. "This is why you're afraid to touch me, Willow. This is why you insist we stay away. You felt it this afternoon when you held me on the ground. We ignite when we touch now."

The kiss, when it came, burned far more than the alcohol, searing her lips with denied passion. She wound her arms around his neck, all the while chastising herself, her mind telling her she needed to stop. Her heart telling her it didn't know how.

Xander's arms wrapped around her small waist, pressing their bodies together. The hard contours of his flesh molded to hers despite their clothing. Sliding his arms down further, he lifted her, carrying her over to his bed. He lay her down gently, holding his body above hers. Her green eyes opened wide as she realized where they were and she pushed against his chest.

"No, Xander."

Her voice, breathy and unsure as it was, stopped him. "No?" Smirking, he pulled away from her. "Of course, no. It doesn't matter that what we have is hotter than the Hellmouth itself, does it Will? Because you need to be with Oz. Because you felt so guilty after what happened that you're willing to throw away what we have for him."

"Passion isn't everything, Xander."

"Right. And that's all we have, isn't it?" He shook his head, walking to his window and pulling the shade out of the way. The sky was beginning to darken. "We don't have years of history and friendship between us. We don't know each other inside and out at all. You're right Will. Passion isn't anything."

"Quit twisting my words!" She sat up, angry now. "You know what I'm trying to say."

"I do. But it's a lie, Willow. You want the truth?" He slammed the shade back down and whirled around to glare at her. "We're not friends. We're so far beyond friends it's not even funny. But you're too caught up in the guilt of what we did to admit that you've got about as much burning desire for Oz as you did for Principal Snyder."

"You're…"

"You care about him. Maybe you even love him. But you're not in love with him. You're in love with me and you know it. He knows it, Willow." He shrugged, all the anger leaving him. "And I'm sorry that I can't be your friend anymore. But I'm not capable of pretending what's between us doesn't exist. I've tried and I've failed."

"Our friendship doesn't mean enough to you to try to save it?"

"Our friendship has been based on lies, ever since we kissed." Sinking down to the floor, he glanced up at her, not surprised by her tears. "I wanted to let you go, Wills. I wanted you to go to him and be happy, like I knew you wanted to. But I couldn't do it. Not the way I was supposed to. Because all I think about is you. And without you, I…if I can't love you, Willow. I can't like you. Do you understand that?"

"No." She slipped off the edge of the bed and sat opposite him. "No, I don't."

"I don't have your strength. I don't have the ability to pretend that these feelings aren't there. I can't pretend it doesn't tear me up inside. Or maybe it's just that you can't not see things the way that I did." He sighed heavily, wishing he could still feel the alcohol in his system. "I love you, Willow. And you say you don't love me. And I can't bear to watch you love someone else."

They sat in silence for a long moment, neither of them sure of what to say, or even if there were any more words worth saying. Finally, Willow stood. "Are you going to leave town then, or what?"

He flinched at her soft words. "I think so."

"Why didn't you leave with Anya? Or Cordelia?"

"Because I don't want to be with someone else. And I had to try…I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't try."

She nodded and walked to the door. She stopped again, her hand resting on the knob. "It should have been easy, Xander."

"Should have been." He nodded and listened to her shut the door behind her.

***

Buffy sat on the edge of the bed, holding Willow's hand in her own. "I'm glad you called me."

"I don't know what to do, Buffy." Willow sighed, sniffing back tears. "I don't know how to say goodbye to him, but it seems like I can't stop doing just that. And now he's so angry at me and at Oz. He won't even listen."

"Willow, maybe he is listening? Maybe he's just realized that you're not going to tell him the things he wants to hear?" She said the words softly, trying hard not to upset her already distraught friend. "Maybe it's for the best?" Pausing again, she looked down at the bedspread. "It is what you want to hear, right Will? That he's going to leave you alone?"

Silence filled the room, as Willow didn't answer.

Buffy sighed, "Oh Wills."

"I don't want to have these feelings for him. I don't! I never have! But just when I think they're gone, something happens that brings them all rushing back." Willow sighed, her voice milky with tears. "I don't know, Buffy. I just…I don't want to hurt like this anymore."

"Maybe Xander leaving would be for the best then?"

"But I'm afraid that would hurt worse." Willow laughed sadly. "Not too pathetic, am I? I have a great guy who loves me and treats me like gold. But I can't stop obsessing about the guy who treats me horribly."

"I wish I knew what to tell you, Wills."

"I do too." Shaking her head, she attempted to smile. "Enough of the sad. Tell me about you and Giles."

Buffy blushed. "He's amazing, Wills. So sweet and understanding, but…" She giggled. "But grrr."

Willow's eyes widened. "Grrr? Really?"

"Major grrr." Buffy nodded. "We're insatiable."

"Wow." Willow lay back against her pillows. "Oz and I are wow."

"And insatiable too."

"Yeah."

Buffy sensed something else. "But?"

"But when Xander touches me? It's hard to explain. You know how you feel when it's all about to crash down around you? Like you're at the precipice, ready to fall over the edge?"

"Mmmm. Oh yeah."

"Well, when Xander touches me, it's like that right from the start. And it just gets better. His kisses make me feel like I'm spiraling out of control."

"And Oz?"

"Oz is…wow."

"But not Xander-wow?"

Willow buried her head in her hands, laughing sadly. "No. Not Xander-wow. Not even close. But is wow that important?"

"Well Wills, when I was…the one time with Angel? The wow was great. Perfect. But then when there couldn't be any more wow? It got tougher. Cause the wow is pretty important."

"But the other stuff is just as important - right? I mean, It's not like Oz and I *can't*."

"Yeah, maybe more important. But wouldn't Xander give you that other stuff? I mean he gave it to Cordelia."

"And then he cheated on her."

"It wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been you."

Willow looked sharply at her friend. "You believe that?"

She shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah. I do." Sighing, Buffy climbed off the bed and started pacing the room. "I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I really think he loves you, Will. The way you want…or used to want him to."

"Oh." The softly spoken word caused Buffy to look up. Tears were streaming down Willow's cheeks, but she was smiling beatifically.

"Will?"

She sniffed, embarrassed. "I…I've just…I've waited my whole life for Xander to love me."

"Does that mean you know what you're going to do?"

She was about to answer her when the phone rang. She reached over, picking up the receiver. "Hello?" She listened intently for a moment before hanging up. "That was Devon. Oz…Oz is in the hospital. He's hurt."

***  
"You're not going to Los Angeles." Sheila Rosenberg shook her head. "And this acting out in an effort to assert your independence has become quite tiresome."

"Mom, Oz is hurt."

"Willow, no."

Buffy followed Willow out of the den and back up to her bedroom. "I could ask Giles?"

"No. He won't do it if my parents don't want me to go. He could get in trouble. My mom would get him in trouble."

"You could bus?"

"No. I think I know where I can get a ride."

***  
Tossing his last duffel bag in the back of his car, Xander looked around. He wasn't going to miss much about Sunnydale. He wouldn't miss his parents, the Hellmouth, facing death every week. But he would miss Buffy, Giles, Oz, Amy and…and the reason he was leaving.

He wasn't surprised she wasn't there to say goodbye. He hadn't told her when he was leaving. He hadn't asked her to come. But, God, he wanted her there. He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about her, back when things were simple. When she loved him. "Bye Will," he whispered.

"Xander!"

His heart clenched in his chest, almost crushed by the hope rising in him. Trying not to smile, he turned to face her. "Wi…"

"Xander, I'm so glad I caught you. I need a ride to LA."

The hope dissolved. "LA."

"Please, Xander? Oz got hurt. He's in the hospital and my mom doesn't want me to go. Please?"

If there was one good thing being his father's son had taught him, it was how to hide the pain. "You'll have to find your own ride back. Sunnydale's in my rearview mirror from now on."

She nodded, unable to speak around the lump in her throat. "I will."

"I'm ready when you are."

She tossed her shoulder bag into the car and climbed in. "I'm ready."

"Were you so sure I'd say yes?" Bitterness tinged his voice.

"No. I was desperate enough to beg until you gave in."

Desperate. Had she ever felt that way for him? Xander slid into the driver's seat and started the car. "Say goodbye, Wills."

She didn't respond, not ready to handle the pain contained in that one phrase. Pulling out of the driveway, Xander headed for the highway, LA and the end of a very prolonged goodbye.

***  
"Are you hungry?"

Willow started at his words. It had been hours since they'd left Sunnydale and they hadn't spoken the entire time. "Sure. My treat."

"You don't have to."

"You're doing me a huge favor, Xander. The least I can do is feed you."

He smiled in spite of himself. "You do remember how much I can eat, right?"

She grabbed her shoulder bag out of the back seat and opened one of the pockets. Pulling out a box of Twinkies, she showed it to him and smiled. "I came prepared." She opened the box and pulled one out, unwrapping it and holding it out to him like a peace offering. Xander watched her out of the corner of his eye. "Did you want one?"

He reached out his hand, careful not to touch hers. "Thanks."

She released it and nodded, smiling shyly. "You're welcome." She leaned back against the seat, glad to feel some of the tension draining out of the car. "So," she paused, wondering if she was about to make a bad situation worse, "do you know where you're going to go?"

"Wherever the road takes me," he shrugged. "I figured I'd cruise around, see some sights, get in a little trouble, put my head back in order…whatever it takes to get past the place I am now."

"Is it so terrible a place?"

He didn't look at her, instead staring determinedly at the road. "Yeah. It is."

"We used to be best friends," she said softly. "I wish we could get that back."

He laughed, although it held none of the bitterness his laugh had been laced with for the past few days. "You know, it's kind of funny. I'd bet all my money, which admittedly there isn't a lot of, that you told Buffy over and over that you'd give anything to have me kiss you, or love you. Am I right?"

Biting her lower lip, Willow looked down at her hands and nodded. "Yes."

"And now, you'd give anything to be able to take it back. I'm not the only one who was wishing it would stop, was I?"

"No."

Her voice had gotten quieter. "And I'm not the only one who was wishing it would never stop, was I?"

"You know that I love you, Xander. I have for almost my whole life, and I probably always will. But loving you doesn't mean that we're right for each other. It doesn't mean that we're going to be the fairy tale couple. We're a lot more like Romeo and Juliet. Love each other, get married, die."

"That's a pretty picture you've painted." He flipped his turn signal and pulled off the highway, turning into one of the small towns that dotted the California interstate. "You really believe we're that doomed? You really believe that, say if Buffy had never come to Sunnydale that we wouldn't be blissfully happy?"

"What ifs aren't going to get us anywhere."

"What ifs are all we've got, Willow." He turned his attention back to the road, following the twisted path into the center of what looked to be something of a ghost town. "Hope they have a gas station and a restaurant."

Willow pointed at a sign. "There's a restaurant a couple of blocks away."

Nodding, Xander drove down the main street until they came to a small café. "Well, it's not McDonalds, but I suppose it will do."

Willow climbed out of the car after he'd parked and made her way to the front door of the café. It was small and somewhat rundown, but it looked well used and well appreciated, if the number of people inside was any indication. "The people inside appear to be alive, so the food can't be that bad. And you're practically made of preservatives, so you should survive anything."

"You wound me," Xander caught up to her and started to casually throw his arm around her shoulders, stopping just before he touched her. Willow saw the motion in the plate glass window and sighed.

"Shall we go in?"

"Well, let me put it to you this way, Wills. Have you ever known just one Twinkie to satisfy me?"

***  
Willow watched him as he ate, wondering if this would be the last time she'd ever sit across from him. Wondering if she'd ever see the man that the boy she fell in love with had become. Wondering if saying goodbye was allowed to hurt this much. "I have an idea."

"Am I gonna want to hear this?" Xander asked, taking a drink of his soda. "Or should I hide under the table until it goes away?" He smiled at her, amazed at how easy things were between them when all the other people in their lives weren't around. When they could speak in the shorthand they'd perfected a million years ago. When they didn't have to be the Willow and Xander everyone expected. When he could still be the knight in shining armor she'd believed him to be.

"I was thinking," she stuck her tongue out at him. "We should walk around a little." She looked at her watch. "Visiting hours are over and I'm not in that much of a hurry to spend a lot of time with Devon. So, maybe we could just…" Tears came unbidden into her eyes. "I'm going to miss you Xander. And I'm not quite ready to let you go."

He swallowed the lump in his throat, washing it away with the tears he struggled to keep down. "I'd…I'd like that, Wills."

She grabbed the check and walked to the register, feeling him follow her. He leaned against the Formica next to her, watching her as she dealt with the waitress. "Did you two enjoy the meal?"

"It was great," Willow nodded. "Thanks."

She handed Willow the change, glancing quickly at Xander. "You guys eloping?"

"What?" Willow blushed profusely.

"We get a lot of kids, coming through town on their way to Vegas, hoping to solve all their problems by getting married. I promise, it solves some, but it creates a few of it's own. You guys look like nice kids. Don't do something stupid."

Xander took Willow's hand in his own and started toward the door. "Don't worry. We're not on our way to get married. I'm taking her to the guy she's involved with. We're about as far from married as you can get."

Willow followed in his wake, her eyes wide. When they got of the café, she was surprised even further by the intense disappointment she felt when Xander dropped her hand. "I think we'd be farther from married if we were brother and sister."

"Not if we were in Arkansas." He smirked. "So, are we walking?"

"That we are." She waited until he started walking before moving to his side and slipping her arm through his. She noticed his intake of breath and looked at him. Her heart was pounding and she didn't feel quite steady on her feet. "Is this okay?"

His hands clenched into fists as his heart sped up, his blood pulsing through his veins in double-time. "More than, Wills. More than."

***  
"Cousin? Why a spoon?"

"Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. My turn." He thought for a long moment. "Because you're perfect."

Willow giggled. "You have a point there. Buckaroo Banzai. Let's see," she tilted her head, trying to think of the perfect movie line. "Wake up, it's time to die."

"Bladerunner." He smiled at her. "My favorite. All right, now the gloves are off. I'm going to think of something really, really hard."

Dancing a few steps ahead of him, she turned to face him. "I can take anything you want to give me, Harris."

Xander stopped, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Really?"

Willow swallowed, wondering what she'd just gotten herself into, and wondering if she'd done it on purpose. "Really."

He stepped forward until he stood right in front of her. His hand moved up to stroke her cheek before it traced lightly over her lips. Her mouth opened and her tongue darted out to brush against his thumb. "He's gonna be a fry cook on Venus."

Raising herself onto her tiptoes, Willow pressed against him until her lips were a mere breath away from his. "Ferris Bueller."

"Your turn." He wondered at his voice, deep and seductive. "I'd like to see you try and stump me."

He felt more than saw her smile as her lips moved closer. It took all his willpower not to make the first move. "As you wish," she whispered before meeting his lips with her own. Xander's hands slipped around her waist of their own accord, holding her body against his.

Willow wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him to her so that she could sink back down on her feet. Kissing him was intoxicating, drugging. She hadn't meant to kiss him. She was with Oz. She loved Oz. Pulling back, but not out of his arms, she looked into his dazed brown eyes.

He licked his lips, wondering what she was doing and thinking. "Princess Bride." He loosened his hold on her slightly, allowing her the opportunity to move away if she wanted it. "Wills?"

"You owed me that kiss, from the start of our junior year." She blushed and finally stepped away; too aware of the feel of Xander's body near hers, too aware of the effect she was having on him. "Mr. Amish guy."

"Right. I owed. I've paid my debt." He started walking again, taking her hand in his. His heart was still working overtime and the majority of the blood in his body was centered in his groin, but he wanted this one perfect memory as much as she did. And getting into an argument over kissing wasn't going to give either of them what they wanted.

Willow smiled over at him, hoping he knew how grateful she was that he'd let her pretend it hadn't happened. A store on the opposite side of the street caught her attention and she let out a small cry. Xander looked over at her quickly, only to find himself being dragged through the light traffic.

Stopping in front of another plate glass window, Willow sighed happily. "Look." She pointed to a bright pink box. "Do you recognize that?"

"It's a box?" He guessed.

"It's more than that." She pulled him toward the door and into the small, cramped store. What seemed to be junk of every shape, size and style lined the walls, floors and everything else. The only thing not covered with stuff was the shopkeeper. "Can I see the doll in the window?"

"It's a doll?"

"It's even more than that." Willow bounced on the balls of her feet excitedly until the woman brought over the box. Willow held it up for Xander to see. "It's Superstar Barbie."

Xander glanced at the blonde doll dressed in a hot pink, long dress with a hot pink boa. "And?"

"Well, I guess you wouldn't recognize her since the last time you saw her she didn't have a head or arms or legs. And her dress was the color of the mud puddle you dropped her in."

"Oh."

"And the boa was suspending her head from your light fixture."

"Oh." Xander laughed quietly. "I think I'm remembering." He watched her as she smiled down at the doll, lost in some memory. "Hey, Wills? When we were five, when you found out about what I did to your doll, you broke up with me, right?"

She nodded. "And I think I kicked you."

"What if I bought this for you now? Could we pretend it never happened? The break up, I mean?"

She turned to smile at him, her green eyes misty with tears. "Can't go back, Xander. Remember?"

"It was worth a shot." He put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him for a hug. "You want?"

"No." She looked up into his sad eyes. "The memory is enough."

Bending forward, Xander shook his head. "No, Wills. It's not."

He kissed her bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. Her breath caught and he took advantage of it by kissing her fully, slipping his tongue into the warmth of her mouth. Her free hand wound into his hair, tangling it around her fingers and pulling him closer.

The shopkeeper cleared her throat. "Did you want to buy that?"

They broke apart, both obviously embarrassed. Willow shook her head. "Not right now. Thanks. We should…we have to…bye." She hurried out of the store, not noticing if Xander was behind her. The soft tinkling of the bell followed her, so she assumed he had as well. "We're not so good at this friend thing anymore, are we?"

He leaned against the wall next to her and stroked her hair. "No. Not so good." Sighing, Xander stared at the sidewalk. "But good at the other stuff."

"Which we're not supposed to be good at."

"According to you."

"And Oz." She hated to say his name and break the spell that seemed to have surrounded them.

"Right." He looked up, but not at her. "We should get going. I'm sure Devon won't mind having you around. Maybe he'll show you around town."

"Because I want to be shown around by Devon, why?"

"Glutton for punishment?"

They headed back for the café and the car; neither speaking for fear of further ruining what had turned out to be a wonderful afternoon. "Thank you, Xander."

"For what?"

"For being my friend today. I was wrong. Even with the other stuff, we're still pretty good friends."

"I hope you really think that, Wills."

"Why?" She followed his gaze to the car, which was now without two tires, possibly more.

"Because it looks like we're stuck together a little bit longer."

***  
"Well, you kids are lucky. This is a fairly nice car, you could have lost the whole thing."

"Unfortunately the rest of it doesn't do us much good without the parts they took." Xander kicked one of the remaining tires. "Damn it. If I fix the car, I may as well just go back to Sunnydale for good. Maybe I'll get lucky and some creature of the night could just kill me."

Willow slapped his arm and glared at him. "Don't you ever say that again, Alexander Harris!" She ignored the looks of the Sheriff and his deputy and stormed back toward the café. Xander looked at them for a moment before running after Willow.

"Wills?" He grabbed her shoulder and made her face him. "Wills, I'm sorry. I'm just…its frustration. I want to be gone and something keeps getting in the way."

"Is that what I am, Xander? Am I something in your way?"

"No." His hand cupped her chin, and he began stroking her smooth skin with his thumb. "You're right where I want you to be."

She blushed and ducked her head; trying to hide the emotions she feared were shining in her eyes. "I guess this whole trip has both of us being a little emotional, hmmm?"

"A bit." He reached for her hand and they walked back to the car. The Sheriff smiled and handed Xander his card.

"Why don't you go over to the hotel down the street? I'll call a tow truck and we'll get the car taken to the town mechanic. He'll get it started tonight, but I'll be honest, you're not going to be able to go anywhere until tomorrow at the earliest."

"Thanks," Willow nodded at the officer and tugged on Xander's hand. "Don't worry," she said softly when they got out of the officer's hearing range. "I have some money."

"I don't want your money, Willow."

"Who insisted we walk around? Who didn't want to leave town just yet? Me. My fault, so my money. Besides, I have a scholarship to school; the Dingoes have a place they're staying in LA. It was just going to be spending money."

The thought of her spending the night with Oz brought Xander's mood, which had been lightening again, crashing down. "Just one more thing I guess I owe you."

She didn't reply, unsure of what she'd said or done. They walked in silence toward the hotel, both carrying their bags. Xander pushed the door open for her and followed her in. They both stood in the softly conditioned air for a long moment.

A stunning blonde woman sat at the counter. "Hello."

Willow's heart sank. Well, at least she had some idea of what the dinner conversation would be about. "Hi. We need two rooms."

"Can't do it."

"What?" Xander looked up at her. "Why not?"

"Alfalfa growers convention in town. I've got one room, one bed. Take it or leave it."

"We have to have at least two beds," Xander insisted. "What about a rollaway?"

"Nope."

"Hide-a-bed?"

"No."

"Couch?"

"There's a chair in every room."

Xander was about to say something when Willow's hand landed on his arm. She shook her head. "All right. How much?"

"Forty dollars."

Willow set a credit card on the counter. "Money is no object."

"Fine. I'll charge you more, but you're only getting the one room. I can't give what I don't have. I'm sorry you and your boyfriend here are in a bind, but…"

"Why does everyone think I'm her boyfriend?" Xander yelled. "I'm not, okay? I'm just a guy giving her a lift to see the guy she's sleeping with!" His raised voice caught the attention of several other people entering the lobby.

Willow blushed a bright red and signed the slip the woman set on the countertop. Grabbing the key, her card and her bags, Willow stormed to the elevator, deliberately ignoring Xander. He moved closer to her, his embarrassment obvious.

"Wills, I'm sorry."

"Shut up."

"I was just trying to get us separate rooms."

She slipped through the doors of the car as soon as they opened, not caring if Xander followed her or not. "Well, it worked like a charm."

"I said I was sorry."

"Besides, it's not even an issue. Because I have about as much desire to sleep with you as I do to sleep with a dying wildebeest." She hurried out of the elevator and down the hall, her head bent forward so that no one would see her face. Xander followed behind, mentally cursing himself.

Why did the thought of Oz just make him so insanely jealous? He'd been happy with Cordelia. He had. Okay, sure that was before he'd really *seen* Willow, but still. Just the thought of him lying next to her, on top of her, holding her, her naked body pressed against him, her lips…

"Are you coming?"

Xander swallowed hard, barely meeting her eyes. If only she knew. "Yeah. Sorry. Thinking."

"You don't think, Xander, you just speak. It's like a rule with you." She shut the door behind him and sat on the edge of the bed. The concierge had been right. There was a table, a bed, a dresser, a chair and a TV. "Well, what do you think of the luxury suite?"

"Very lavish." He set his stuff on the chair and headed into the bathroom. Locking the door behind him, he leaned against it. How was he supposed to spend a night alone with Willow? Especially after their day together? Everything had been perfect. All the Sunnydale stuff was gone and it was just Xander and Willow like it used to be.

Only with a lot more sexual tension.

"Willow?" He called through the thick door.

"Yes?"

He could tell she was leaning against the other side, probably worried about him. Either that or she had to use the bathroom. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I was just worried about how we were going to do this."

Willow pressed her forehead to the door, imagining that Xander was doing the same on the opposite side. "We're going to be fine, Xander. We used to sleep together all the time."

"That was before we found out there was another way to do it. Had I known back then that we were doing it wrong, I might have changed my technique."

"You mean, no more three Oreos, a glass of milk, a trip to the potty and your stuffed alligator tucked under your chin?"

"Well, given that option or being buried inside you, I think…" Xander snapped his mouth shut and sank to the floor. "Oh God. You're right. I don't think. I'm not going to say another thing. Ever."

Willow caught her breath and sank to the floor as well. Her hand pressed to the hard wood that separated them as her mind filled with images of him loving her. "Xander?"

He barely heard her whisper. "Yeah Will?"

"I…I…I have to use the bathroom."

He scrambled to his feet and hurriedly opened the door. Willow was sitting on the floor, looking up at him. "I'm sorry. I'll get out of the way."

She shook her head and held out her arms. He helped her to her feet and kept a light hold on her upper arms. "Xander?"

"Y…" he choked slightly. "Yeah?"

"You're still in the doorway."

He moved quickly, allowing her to pass him. He waited until he door was shut before moving over to the chair and collapsing into it. This was bad. This was beyond bad. This was hell. He was going to have to share a room with her, pretend being close to her didn't bother him and keep his mouth glued shut so that he didn't say anything else like what he'd said a few moments ago.

She came out of the bathroom quickly and sat hesitantly on the edge of the bed. "This is in no way awkward, is it?" She asked quietly.

"Oh no. I've been in far more awkward situations." He looked down at his hands. "Although quite a few of them revolve around kissing you."

She nodded then looked over at him. Her green eyes were wide with nervousness and something more. "Xander…?"

His name had barely left her lips when he moved forward, capturing her mouth in a kiss. His forward momentum sent them both back down to the bed, his arms wrapping around her to break her fall. Their lips pressed hard against one another's until Xander's tongue traced across the seam and parted hers. His tongue dipped into her mouth, bathing in the damp heat as it danced with hers.

Her hands slid up his back, over his shoulders and into his dark hair. Tilting his head slightly, she sucked his lower lip into her mouth and nibbled on it, sending waves of desire along Xander's spine. He rolled over, pulling her on top of him, trapping her hands beneath them both. She raised her head to look at him, her green eyes cloudy with need.

"Wills?"

She shook her head. "Don't. Don't talk. Don't think. Please Xander? Just kiss me?"

He lifted his head slowly, allowing her to anticipate the kiss before it came. Willow lay her hand gently against Xander's cheek and held him as he moved closer. "I can do that."

Their lips met again. Slowly, tenderly and softly. He wrapped his arms around her and they turned to the side so they were both lying on the bed. It was reminiscent of their first kiss, neither wanting to press the advantage too far for fear of where it might lead them.

Willow could feel his heartbeat, so strong against her chest as she moved closer into his arms. She lost all track of her thoughts, concentrating only on the warmth of Xander's embrace and the gentleness of his kiss. She pulled away slightly and smiled, licking her lips to savor the taste of him. Her heart was beating faster than it ever had before and she was afraid it might explode from pleasure. His dark eyes stared into hers, his need and desire shining out of them. "Xander?"

"Yeah, Wills?" His voice was barely above a whisper, but she could still hear the fear in it. He was waiting for her to ask him to stop. She almost laughed. Stopping wasn't anywhere in the cards. She'd forgotten how.

Pulling out of his embrace, she stood up. Kicking off her shoes, she gazed down at him. "It's getting kind of warm…"

He groaned softly, nodding in agreement. He kicked his shoes off as well and waited for her next move. "Almost hot."

***

"I…oh hell." She pushed him down onto the bed again and kissed him. This time there was no gentleness, only heat as her tongue explored his mouth, tasting every surface she could find. Her hands traveled all over his body, fingernails scraping the skin through the thin cotton of his T-shirt, hands caressing his arm muscles and smoothing along the firm line of his stomach.

Her mouth left his to trail kisses along his jaw, down his neck and over his collarbone. Xander's nerve endings danced along the surface of his skin, teetering on the edge of excitement. He could feel his erection pressed against her thigh and he knew if they didn't stop soon, they weren't going to stop. There was no way he could stop her. He didn't want to stop her.

Willow moved away from him again, sliding down the length of his body until her feet touched the floor. She trailed her hands down his stomach and brushing over the bulge in his pants. Taking hold of her shirt, she pulled it over her head and tossed it aside.

Xander's breath left him in a rush as he stared at her, his eyes widening at the firm swell of her breast barely hidden by the lace bra. Her nipples stood out darkly against the pale material and his overwhelming desire was to rip the fabric away and wrap his lips around the tight, hard nub.

Sitting up, he grabbed her waist and pulled her to him. Unhooking the front clasp, he smoothed the thin fabric away and bared her chest to him. She was like cream, her skin smooth and soft. Her nipples were tight, red buds, like succulent strawberries. And Xander could never resist food.

"Xander!" Willow moaned as his head descended and he engulfed the tip into his hot mouth. She buried her fingers in his hair, holding him to her. His tongue teased across the sensitive flesh, flicking it with the tip before his teeth began gently nibbling her. "Xan…" Her whole body was trembling, heady from the rush of feeling him this much, this close.

He pulled back, his eyes meeting hers. "You want me to stop?"

She shook her head wildly. He smiled softly then moved quickly to the other breast. Willow's legs shook then gave out, and she tumbled forward into his arms. "Maybe," she gasped. "Maybe we should lie down?"

He nodded and released her. His hands tugged his shirt from his jeans and he tossed the T-shirt aside. Willow stared at his golden chest and the dark, coarse hairs that were sprinkled across it. She'd seen him in much less when he'd been undercover on the swim team, but this was far more exciting. His hands rested on his belt and he looked down at it then up at her.

"You know, there's something so much more exciting about skin shown to you like this than just skin." Her eyes were focused on his belt buckle and she licked her lips again. "Xander?" She forced her eyes up to look at him. "Do you have more skin you'd like to show me?"

He unhooked his belt and unbuttoned his fly as quickly as he could. His mind was racing, wondering what had changed her mind. Was it closeness? Proximity? Had she just been alone for too long and was missing Oz? Oh shit.

Willow watched as Xander's hands stopped moving. Her breath was harsh and painful as her expectations rose and the anticipation built. "Xander?" Why had he stopped? He looked so sexy, his chest bare, his fly unbuttoned, the dark triangle of hair disappearing under the waistband of his boxers. "What's wrong?"

"This." He started refastening his pants and belt, much to her dismay. "We shouldn't be doing this. You're just missing Oz."

Willow watched, dumbfounded, as he picked up his shirt and walked toward the door of the hotel room. "That's not…"

"I'm gonna go for a walk, Will. Clear my head." He grasped the doorknob and paused. "Could you please have your shirt back on when I come back?"

Willow couldn't say anything as she tugged one of the pillows off the bed and covered her exposed chest with it. The door clicked shut behind him and she let out a sob, burning tears running down her cheeks.

***  
Xander sat in the small lobby, running his fingers through his hair. He didn't know how he was supposed to do this. He wasn't will-power guy. He was give in to his impulses guy. And he knew, no matter how much he loved her, he couldn't resist her. Not even for their own good. He wanted her too much to lie there beside her and not touch her.

But she had Oz. She loved Oz. She'd *chosen* Oz. She was desperate to see Oz. Desperate enough to ignore her parents and run away to LA to be with him just for a few days.

He levered himself out of his seat and walked over to the front desk. "You're sure there are no more rooms? Maybe a broom closet? A cot?"

"I'm sorry."

He nodded. "Right. So am I." He pushed open the front door of the hotel and wandered out into the dying sunlight. Maybe he could go sleep in his car. It was almost funny. He didn't remember knowing how to be noble and do the right thing. Apparently hanging out with the Slayer and fighting on the side of good, did really lousy things for being a jerk.

He thought of Willow's sweet kisses searing his mouth and shrugged. Well, not always. He walked down the street, thinking of the afternoon before the car and the hotel. It had been so nice to just be friends again. The kind of friends they might have been if the vampire hadn't interrupted their almost kiss that one night. If Buffy had come home one day later. If…if…if. He stopped outside the second hand store where Willow had seen the Barbie. It wasn't back in the window. He wondered if someone had purchased it and whether or not it would bring them the kind of friendship he and Willow had. Or used to have.

God, he was depressing. Looking over to the west, he watched as the sun prepared to slip from view. He should get back to the hotel. Just because it wasn't Sunnydale, didn't mean there weren't a few creatures of the night running around. Although being dead might be the more attractive option.

Because sleeping in the same room as Willow and trying to keep his hands off of her was going to be torture like only Angelus could devise.

***  
Standing outside the door to their room, Xander took a deep breath. He could do this. Willow would be fully dressed, embarrassed, thinking about Oz. No problem. This was going to be smooth sailing. He opened the door and walked in. The room was pitch dark and his heart started pounding. They'd eventually wormed the details of Miss Calendar's death and discovery out of Giles and the thought of finding Willow dead was suddenly all he could think about.

Snapping on the overhead light, he didn't see anything to alleviate his fears. She was lying face down on the bed, her head buried in the pillows. She was still half-naked, her back bare, her chest pressed against the bed. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think.

Walking slowly toward her, tears filled his eyes. His Willow was gone. He'd left her and now she was dead and it was all his fault. Oz would never forgive him. Giles would never forgive him. Buffy would never forgive him.

Hell, he'd never forgive himself. He touched her shoulder softly, "Oh, Willow, I'm sorry."

She rolled over, mumbling softly. The intensity of the relief that washed over him had absolutely nothing to do with being saved from a beating at the hands of his friendly neighborhood Slayer and werewolf. She was smiling in her sleep, but he could still see the tracks of tears that had coursed down her face. She looked disheveled and sad and, he let his gaze travel down to her exposed breasts, incredibly sexy.

But best of all, she looked very much alive. "Willow?"

She opened her eyes slowly, blinking rapidly in the dim light. "Xander?"

"Oh Wills," he managed to say before he crushed her to him in a tight hug. "I thought you were dead for a minute."

"You keep doing that. You didn't see another me running around did you?"

He pulled back but didn't release her. "No. No leather clad Willows running around. At least not that I noticed. And believe me, I would have noticed."

She laughed softly. "Xander?"

His name was more like a caress than a word. "Yeah Will?"

"You were wrong before. This has nothing to do with Oz." Her hand moved lazily across his chest. "This is about me wanting you. And you wanting me."

"Wanting isn't enough, Willow. I can't let go. You know that right? If I leave Sunnydale and you behind, I might have a chance at finding something else out there. But if I…if we have sex, I'm not going to be able to walk away."

"We're not going to have sex, Xander." She removed his T-shirt and pressed her body to his. The feel of her nipples, hard and crushed against his chest forced a low groan from Xander's throat. Her lips found the pulse beating in his neck and she ran her tongue against it.

"We're not? Because I'm really sure that this feels like sex."

"No, Xander. We're going to make love."

"Oh. You're right. That feels much different."

***  
Her lips and teeth nibbled along his neck before traveling down to his chest. She found the hard tip of his nipple and sucked it into her mouth, laving it with her tongue. His body responded immediately and he knew, no matter what, he wasn't going to be able to stop this time. "Willow? You're sure?"

Her only response was to lower her hands to his belt and unfasten it. She kissed her way across his chest to his other nipple as her hands nimbly unbuttoned his jeans.

"I don't want to think about how you're so good at that, do I?" He asked quietly.

She kissed his stomach, running her tongue across his warm flesh. He lifted his hips, allowing her to remove his jeans and boxers, and then lay there while she stared at him. "Xander?"

He nodded.

"Would you please stop thinking? I want this." She took his cock in her hand and began stroking it. "You obviously want this. Isn't that enough?"

"Until it's over."

"We'll deal with over then." She looked him in the eye. "You're already running away? Why should it matter if I give you one more reason? One more, really worthwhile reason"

He looked down at her hands, easily manipulating his cock. He could have Willow, at least once. Wasn't that worth it all? Meeting her green eyes, he nodded once. She smiled and bent her head, taking his long shaft inside her mouth. She was right. What was one more reason?

***  
Willow wrapped her mouth around his cock, marveling at her boldness. She'd fallen asleep; afraid he wouldn't return and dreamed horrible things. She'd realized when he walked out that door that she hadn't wanted him to leave.

Hadn't wanted him to leave her.

Ever.

Her mouth moved slowly up and down, her tongue caressing the vein that ran along the underside of him shaft, sending short thrills of need through his body. His skin was velvety soft and she guided him carefully, never allowing him to choke her.

His comment from earlier stayed on the outskirts of her attention. Pulling away from the heat of him, she continued the smooth strokes with her hand. "Xander?"

His eyes were closed, his head thrown back in supplication. "No talking, remember?"

"I never imagined you'd taste so good."

"Okay, talking can be nice." He looked at her, his brown eyes dark. Her eyes were almost forest green, dark and deep with promise. Her hand kept moving and he struggled not to give in to the seductive pull of it as it traveled the length of him then centered its attention on his sensitive tip. "Willow?"

She lay carefully beside him, her hand never leaving him, never stopping in its task. "Yes?"

"Wills, honey, if you keep that up, I'm not going to be responsible for what happens." His voice was breathy with desire. "And I'd much rather come inside you."

Her hand stilled immediately and she smiled up at him. "I want you inside me, Xander. More than anything." She scrambled off the bed and took off the rest of her clothes. Jeans and panties fell to the floor and she was there, standing in front of him like some shy goddess. "I…"

"No talking." He reached out for her, taking her hand and pulling her toward him. Her breasts were flushed red from where she'd slept on them, soft lines creasing her skin where the pillow covers had wrinkled under her. His hands moved down to smooth the lines away.

Willow arched her back slightly, letting his hands wreak havoc with her nervous system. Every touch seemed to send a shock through her, igniting the heat burning in her belly. Lowering his head, he took the hard tip of her nipple into his mouth, gasping as her hand began gently stroking his cock again. He nibbled and sucked until her breasts seemed fuller, the blood and excitement coursing through them.

He caught her hand and stilled it, feeling the excitement growing too close for comfort. Guiding her onto her back, he brushed one of her nipples accidentally, causing her to cry out. He stopped his movements and raised his hand to stroke her hair. "All right?"

"That depends."

"On?"

"If I say yes, are you going to stop?"

"No."

"Then yes, Xander, although I could be better." She bit her lower lip and arched up toward him. "I could be a lot better."

His fingertips stroked her stomach, moving steadily down until they reached the apex of her thighs. The downy, red hair there captured his interest and he moved away from her touch to get closer. His warm breath rifled the curls and she shivered in response. His fingers rubbed their softness and then slipped slightly lower.

He could feel the heat and dampness as he brushed along the outside lips of her sex. Looking up at her, he could see the need in her face, the desire for him to touch her. He carefully eased himself between her legs, his own aching erection pressed hard against the bedspread. He watched her for a moment; her glorious eyes capturing his just as she'd captured his heart.

Willow smiled down at him, the same encouraging smile she'd always saved exclusively for him. He returned it before turning his attention back to soft pink banquet before him. His fingers trembled as he raised his hand, suddenly uncertain. He'd never actually done this before.

Licking his lips, he parted the soft folds of flesh and took a deep breath. It was like Willow intensified, deeper and far more potent. Moving his fingers, he brushed the hard nub of her clitoris gently. Willow let out a soft cry, wriggling closer to him. Encouraged, Xander rubbed it again, listening to her whimpers of pleasure.

His finger played with her, coaxing her body's responses with its gentle touch. Willow pressed down, desperate for him to touch her harder and faster. Seeing her distress, Xander moved his finger to the dark lips of her sex and slipped it easily inside.

"Oh, Xander," she sighed happily, grinding down against him. He closed his eyes, lost in the sensation of her wet heat surrounding him. She was tight and the muscles clenched with every thrust of his hand. Willow was sighing and whispering his name, begging him for more. Slightly unsure, Xander thrust another finger in, pleased when she moaned.

Willow ran her hands through his hair, trying to remain somewhat in control and not force his mouth onto her throbbing clitoris. His hesitancy was slowly fading and she wondered vaguely what his first time must have been like for him. Visions of Faith hurting him danced in her head and she growled angrily.

Xander pulled away immediately, his face a mask of horror. "Oh God, Wills, are you okay? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry, I just…"

"Xander." She held out her hand to him and shook her head. "It wasn't you."

"But…"

"Xander? Please? You were making me feel so good."

He smiled widely. "Really?"

Nodding, she lay back again and opened her legs even wider. "I'd hate for you to stop."

Xander's breath shuddered through him as he lowered himself back between her thighs. Watching her face, he slid his fingers back inside her. He stared, enraptured as her eyes closed and she smiled languorously. Lowering his head, he brushed his tongue against the throbbing button of her clit, needing to see her react.

Bucking off the bed, Willow thrust hard against his fingers and mouth. "Oh, Xander." She was panting harshly, her whole body wracked with the first shivering wave of her orgasm. Her fingers brushed her breasts and she began kneading her nipples, pinching them as he used his hand and tongue to bring her quickly back to the edge.

The sight of her touching herself was too much for Xander to bear. He pulled away carefully, not wanting to hurt her. She groaned sadly as his touch disappeared, opening her eyes to find him again. He was on his knees in front of her, his cock poised to enter her. "Willow?"

She nodded, reaching over the side of the bed for her bag. He tried not to think about the fact that she had condoms with her. He tried not to think at all. All he wanted to do was be grateful that she was prepared and he wasn't going to have to suffer through an entire night of the most intense erection he'd ever had.

Sitting up, Willow discarded the small package and placed the condom on the tip of Xander's cock. It pulsed at her touch and she smiled. She sheathed him then lay back, her eyes never leaving his. "Xander? Make love to me?"

"Anything for my Willow."

***  
He slipped the tip of his cock into the opening of her passage, letting the heat and wetness surround it. Guiding it with his hand, he brushed the aching tip against her clit before running it along the cleft of her sex and imbedding himself inside her.

It was tight and wet, though he felt a hollow ache as he slid all the way inside without encountering any barrier. He'd always dreamed he'd be her first. He lay still for a moment, determined that their first time would be everything his first time hadn't been. And everything hers probably had.

They were both breathing heavily; their sweaty, slick skin clinging longingly to each other. Bracing himself, Xander raised up to look into her eyes. "Okay?"

"Very okay."

He nodded, closed his eyes and began to move inside her. The warm flush of her earlier orgasms coated him and made the soft thrusting easier, but she was still tight, her muscles clamping around him almost painfully. He moaned softly, lowering himself on top of her and burying his face in her hair. "I love you, Willow."

Her body stopped moving under his. He was about to try and take it back when her hands began running up and down his spine. "I love you too, Xander."

Her softly whispered words were all the impetus he needed. He lifted himself up onto his elbows and increased his thrusts, deeper and harder, filling her eager body with every stroke. She moved her legs, wrapping them around his and pulling him inside her even farther.

Xander closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, holding her to him as he felt the soft tremor of his orgasm start. Her breasts crushed against his chest as he ground his pelvis into hers and came with a quiet shout of relief. Willow threw her head back as he filled her, giving in to her feelings for him. She was making love with Xander.

Her Xander.

Her orgasm matched his in intensity and emotion, ending almost at the same time. They lay together in a sweaty, exhausted heap. Xander managed to catch his breath first and lifted himself up slightly. "Am I too heavy?"

"No. You feel good." She slowly unhooked her legs and slid them back under his. His body shifted and he blushed.

"I should move. And get rid of this." His smile was embarrassed and unsure. "I'll be right back?"

"I hope so." She lay still as he moved, not wanting to cause any problems, turning only once he was off the bed. She watched the smooth line of his body as he walked, letting it fuel the recently spent desire once again.

He came out of the bathroom and stood in the doorway, watching her watch him. "Thank you."

"For?"

"Loving me."

She nodded, unable to stop the tears that welled up in her eyes. "I do, you know."

Xander's heart tightened in his chest. He knew her tone. He'd heard it enough since she'd started dating Oz. "Was that my going away present, Will?"

She didn't say anything, unable to speak around the tears clogging her throat. Finally, she took a deep breath, "Xander, I…"

He held up a hand and shook his head. "Don't Wills. It's bad enough right now. Please don't make it worse?"

***  
Willow nodded and grabbed her shirt, pulling it on quickly. It didn't cover much of her, and Xander couldn't stop his gaze from traveling down to the dark triangle of hair it ended just above. "I'm going to change then, I…"

Xander closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. She bit her lower lip and grabbed her bag, taking great care not to touch him as she moved around him. He felt her heat as she walked by and forced himself not to reach out to her. All he wanted to do was grab her and hold her to him. Run away from Sunnydale and hide someplace no one could ever find them.

He wanted to stay with her in the safe cocoon of their friendship and their love. He wanted the rest of the world to go away. When the bathroom door clicked shut, his body jerked as though it had been shot. He stumbled over to the bed and sat down, his emotion overwhelming him.

He'd just made love to the woman who owned his heart and yet he felt like he was dying inside. He felt worse than he had when Buffy turned him down for the dance or when Faith had tried to strangle him. He felt like his heart had just been staked through only he wasn't lucky enough to dissolve into dust.

No, he had to pretend it was all okay. He now had to spend the night lying next to her, pretending he didn't love and want her. He had to act like it didn't matter to him that he meant nothing more to her than a goodbye.

He heard the shower and got off the bed. He moved to the window and opened it, hoping to air out the room. It smelled like her…he smelled like her. He wondered absently if it would wash away or if it had branded him for life. Resting his head against the glass, he tried hard to breathe normally. "Damn it, Willow," he sighed.

Letting the shade fall back into place, he gathered his clothes and slipped his boxers and shirt on. He was going to shower after her, dress in something nice and confining and go to sleep. Tomorrow, they'd get the car, he'd take her to Oz and he'd never have to see her.

Ever again.

Lying back on the bed, his eyes drifted closed, torturing him with the memory of her naked body. Okay, so he'd never have to see her again as long as he didn't close his eyes. He held his hand over his eyes, trying desperately to ignore the picture of her in his mind. She was naked, seductive, enchanting. His other hand smoothed across the front of his boxers as he felt himself harden.

He needed her. He had warned her, and himself, that he wasn't going to have the strength to walk away. But he knew, better than he knew that he loved her, that he wasn't going to be able to watch her with Oz. Not now, not since she'd given herself to him.

All he had to do was walk into Oz's hospital room with her, announce to him that they'd slept together and let the fallout take care of everything else. He removed his hand from his erection as he heard the shower switch off, not wanting her to know that he had been thinking about her. He grabbed his things and headed for the door, waiting patiently for her to come out.

Willow wrapped the towel around her body and stared into the foggy mirror. What had she just done? How was she supposed to get him out of her mind, out of her head, out of her heart now? Wiping the mirror with another towel, she gazed at her shrouded reflection. "Why do you want to?" She asked herself quietly. "You love him. You know you love him. You want him. You guys are fantastic together. Why don't you just admit it? You made a mistake, choosing Oz. Admit it, Rosenberg. Then go out there and make him the happiest man alive."

"You almost done in there?" His voice was calm, but years of practice allowed her to read the myriad of emotions behind it. He was just as confused as she was.

She dressed quickly, pulling on a long T-shirt and a pair of baggy boxer shorts. Wrapping her hair up in the towel, she opened the door and tried to smile. His face was a mask of control, one he'd perfected around his parents. "All yours."

He smirked, "Not exactly." He moved carefully past her, again making sure they didn't touch. "Decide which side of the bed you want, I'm not picky."

She stood there as he brushed by her, inhaling the scent of him carried on the breeze. He shut the door behind him and she listened as he quickly got undressed. She clenched her hands tightly together and looked around the room. The bedspread was rumpled from her earlier crying jag and their frenzied activities.

Sex with Oz was sweet. It was nice and comfortable and good. Sex with Xander had been…molten. Pushing away from the door, she walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. She needed to decide. There was no way she could lie beside him all night long without knowing what she wanted and what she was going to do.

She thought back to her conversation with Buffy. The Slayer had been right. Xander loved her. He'd shown her that long before he'd said the words. Grabbing the pillow, she held it to her chest again. She buried her face against the cool fabric and let her tears fall again. Why couldn't this be easy? Why couldn't she just choose and be happy.

The shower shut off and she quickly brushed her tears away. Tugging the bedspread down, she slipped underneath the covers and pulled them over her head like she'd done as a child. Xander stepped out of the bathroom, wearing a new pair of boxers and a shirt. He watched her squirm under the covers and couldn't help but smile.

He could picture her at five, hair all laced up in braids, footie pajamas on and a serious look on her face. "Xander, the monsters can't find you if they think you're inbisible," she'd insisted, tugging them over his head. It had all been so simple then.

"I'm going to turn out the light."

Her voice was muffled from the blankets. "All right."

He hit the switch and walked over to the bed, his whole body tingling at the thought of spending the night pressed against her. He lifted the covers and sank down onto the bed beside her. "Night, Wills."

"Night Xander." She rolled away from him, trying to hide from his intense gaze.

He stared at the line of her back, so tense and tight with nerves. He wanted to reach out and stroke the thick hair and wrap it around his fingers, pull her toward him and ravish her mouth until she was too weak to move.

But more than that, he wanted her to want him - and only him - too.

Willow swallowed hard against the rising tears that clogged her throat, trying to keep her body from shaking with the sobs. She wanted him so badly it hurt. And now that she'd had a taste of him, of what they were together… Sighing, Willow realized Xander had been right. There was no way either of them was going to be able to walk away from this.

Well, there was one way.

***

Willow turned over, facing Xander. His brown eyes were sad, staring at her. He started when she rolled over, worry marring his features. "Are you all right, Wills?"

"No." Her smile trembled and tears ran unhindered down her cheeks. "Will you promise me something, Xander?"

"Anything, Willow. You know that." He reached out a tentative hand and stroked her cheek softly.

"I need get to LA tomorrow."

His hand stopped and he pulled it away quickly. "I see. What's the matter? Was I not a good enough substitute for him? Couldn't I tide you over for at least a day?"

She took a deep breath and looked at him very intently. "I just don't think it's fair of me to let him keep thinking that we're going out. I don't want to cheat on him, Xander. But I can't seem to resist you and, honestly, I don't think I have the strength to try anymore. So that means I have to tell Oz the truth."

"Oh."

"You really need to work on that speak/think thing." She moved a little closer, still unsure of herself. "Before we left Sunnydale, I was talking to Buffy and I realized that…well, I love you."

"So, why all of this? Why the Oz thing? Were you just trying to torture me?" His voice was milky with tears and he refused to meet her eyes. "Is this a game now?"

"No. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I didn't want us to be just about lust and unfulfilled need. I love you, Xander. I need you. But I need us to be more than just lovers. I need to be friends. And if we couldn't' have that, then I didn't want the other."

He nodded, looking at her lips. "And so now you've decided?"

"I decided a long time ago, Xander. I couldn't have made love to you if I wasn't in love with you." She flinched, realizing how that must sound. "And before you say anything, yes. I love Oz. But he's not you." She paused and brought his lips within a breath of her own. "He's never been you."

Xander closed the distance between them, pressing his lips tightly to hers. Her hand rubbed along his side, slipping easily under his shirt to caress the slightly damp skin of his chest and stomach. "Please promise me this isn't another fluke, Willow? I don't think I could handle that. I can't lose you again."

"Xander," She nuzzled his cheek then lowered her head to nibble and lick the soft skin of his neck. "I promise there will be no more fluking."

He rolled his head back, his breath becoming strained as she pushed his shirt up higher to give her better access to his chest. Pulling away, he grabbed the collar of the shirt and quickly removed it. She took advantage of his distance to do the same.

Willow pushed against his shoulder and forced him onto his back. Lying halfway across him, she pressed her breasts hard against him as her fingertip traced circles around the flesh of his nipple before moving it southward to the elastic waistband of his boxers. She felt the material move as Xander's erection surged from her touch.

"Willow," he growled. "Hearing you say all of this…" He used one hand to lift her chin so that he could kiss her. "I don't really need the foreplay."

She grinned and pulled away, tugging her boxers down with one swift movement. "Good." Xander's laugh was low and throaty as he slipped his own shorts off. She moved grabbed her bag and pulled out another condom. "Do I want to know why you brought all of those?"

"I thought I might get lucky." She smoothed the latex onto his cock with her hands then moved to straddle his thighs. Very carefully, she positioned the tip inside her before sliding down, burying him inside her. They both gasped softly, Xander grabbing her hips to steady her as they began to thrust.

This position he had a little bit of experience with.

Willow moved on top of him carefully, almost as if she were afraid to move. He tightened his hold on her and began thrusting up, increasing their rhythm, pounding deep inside her welcoming, warm flesh. She started panting as he released on hip and brought his hand over to her clit, massaging it with care.

Her fingers dug into the flesh of his chest and she cried out as her orgasm rocked through her. Xander grinned cockily and impaled her yet again until he felt his climax explode inside her. He raised his hands to her breasts, rubbing the tender flesh gently. "You thought you'd get lucky, hmm?"

"I hoped to."

"And did you?"

She smiled a smile he'd never seen, one of seduction and love and triumph. "Luck had nothing to do with it."


End file.
